i double-dog dare you...

I remember having a conversation with someone from my church right around the time Crystal, my sister, decided to return to the Philippines this last time (June 2010).  They were so shocked to find out that she was going but more in shock that she had already been for a total of 2.5 years and even more in shock to find out that she is a Certified Professional Midwife.  Many times I have had conversations with her complaining and asking her why she didn't tell her stories more often.  I could sit for hours and listen to her telling her adventures over and over again (our family is known for repeating things) and they were better every time (we're also known for exaggerating).  I was sure that if I loved them as much as I did then everyone else would too.  But somehow she had managed to know these people for almost 2 years and had never once told them of the passions that defined her so intricately.  It was so frustrating to me.  I could not for the life of me understand why she wasn't shouting how amazing she is from the rooftops....until now...

I've had conversations with others since I've arrived in the Philippines about how I should go about telling the stories of the residents at Safe and of my adventures during this season of my life.  I've discovered how incredibly difficult doing that really is.  I've talked with some people here who express the same concerns and issues.  As I search my brain for the words to type out my feelings and emotions, I've learned that there simply aren't words in our human vocabulary to explain what is happening in my mind and more importantly, my heart.  While I could ramble all day long about the everyday happenings, that isn't sufficient and would honestly be pretty boring.  I've spent literally hours questioning and thinking and praying about how God wants me to convey these life-changing experiences to you.  But tonight, I think I may have had a break-through.  But I should warn you, the things that you are about to read may upset you and, honestly, I pray that they do.  I have tried to walk a fine line of expressing what's on my heart while not being offensive and attempting to find ways to sugar coat the truth. But I (we) don't have time to be fake, so here is me, as real and as raw as I come.

We don't share our stories and we try to hide in a room and never come out, not because we're afraid you won't understand, we can justify that in our minds (because they've never been there, they haven't seen or heard).  What we're really afraid of is that you WILL understand and still refuse to do anything to change it.  Refuse to show compassion, refuse to give support, refuse to accept the reality of an imperfect world, refuse to end your ignorant ways, or refuse to care enough to let it shake the foundations of your innermost being.  Because if we let you live in your own little "perfect" world pretending that nothing is wrong and refuse to inform you of the injustices and tragedies of the poor, then we can continue justifying your actions with your ignorance and misunderstandings.  However, once we let you into our "world" and reveal to you the pain that really exists and the brokenness that compels us to hastily share God's love and grace, then we have to deal with the reality that many of you won't respond with compassion and love.  We'll have to deal with the reality that many of you will continue to live your life just the same as you have every other day, content with settling for what you have decided is best instead of letting God reveal His best (and let's face it, His best is infinitely better than our best) and without letting God work mightily on your behalf.  Many of you are content with being average and are okay without being what God has called you to.  God has called us all to greatness and refusing to be transformed by God's amazing grace and unfailing love is just stupid.

So I've decided that not telling you because you won't respond is just taking the easy way out, for both of us.  And too many people have taken the easy way out for far too long.  So for your sake and in an attempt to save you from yourself, I'm making a commitment, here and now, to be real.  I'm going to tell you that I've been a crying wreck since I stepped off the plane in Manila.  I'm going to tell you that every day poses a new challenge, a new obstacle, a new something that I have to learn from and fight through.  I'm going to tell you that over the past 2 weeks I've learned more than ever that love IS a fight, pain IS real, God's grace IS more than enough, and there IS redemption and restoration in His love and joy in the hope only He can give.

I challenge you to read my blogs.  I challenge you to get upset.  I challenge you to share my stories.  I challenge you to ask questions.  I challenge you to exercise empathy.  I challenge you to be different.  I challenge you to be the greatest you that you can be, not because you want the attention or fame but because that's who He calls us to be.  He has set us apart and called us to greatness. It's time we stop focusing on ourselves and start wanting the things that God wants and asking for Him to break our hearts with the things that make His heart break. When we start wanting a closer relationship with Him, then our actions will begin to produce fruit and thats where greatness starts.  Let it change you or not, that's not my call or decision, God has called me to something greater than myself and if looking like an idiot is what it takes to share His love and grace, then so be it.